I often have conversations like this:
Person: "So I want to tell someone that because they failed to meet the deadline I think they overall failed to meet my standards on this project, but I'm worried that if I say that they might think I mean that they’re performing poorly overall, which I don't mean (because they’ve done really well on other projects). I guess I'm also worried that the person will be demoralized or think that I don't trust them, and that will mean that they are less willing to try out this new plan that I’ve been working with them on."
Me "How about you just tell them everything you just said?"
My experience is that this usually works. Why?
I'm not sure, but maybe:
- It makes me feel more comfortable sharing X, and X is probably something that it's important for the person to hear
- It also gives them a sense of the broader context around X (in the form of my worries about sharing X), and a sense of how I'm worried X might be misinterpreted. This makes it more likely that they actually understand X
- This often includes me bringing in more of my own feelings, which are often useful data about the situation
- The fact that I'm sharing more and sharing some of my feelings means that people have more reason to trust me
Here's my sketch of the technique:
- Talk to a mentor/peer about about the situation.
- For instance, talk about what you really think, what you would like to say and why you're worried about saying those things.
- You can probably do this pretty well by just imagining what you would say to a mentor.
- Just say all of the things
You don't have to say the things exactly as you said them to your mentor - you might emphasise different points or use different language. But do say all of the things.
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